Deconstruction

I finally went to bed around 11 a.m. yesterday, waking up at half past three in the afternoon. It's unsettling to have our living room thought of as the "scene of the crime" but that's what the heart of our home has become. As far as crimes go though, we won. We didn't get hurt & we didn't get robbed. That is the distinction that I cannot emphasize enough.
There's little to do about the fear though. Our doors are locked - the ax remains as a second block to the slide door now. We are armed with loaded guns and truncheons and even a machete.
I have little doubt that I would kill if I had to - especially with my wife and child threatened. It scares me a little to imagine such righteous fury at my command, tangibly within the grasp of my fingertips in the form of a deadly weapon. In such dire circumstances, I believe I could kill without any complications of conscience. Hell, to say it scares me only a little is a gross understatement, I find it genuinely frightening. But I think I know where this comes from; a defense mechanism of self consolation, also the absolute need to be strong for my wife and child who are both suffering this fearful helplessness as bravely as they can. I am proud of both of them for that and I will remain fanatically strong for them until this snapshot of terror properly fades enough that we can relax again.