I read that Billy Ray Cyrus got kicked off the island in some dumb goddamned reality TV show today. The last time I had even heard his name was about ten years ago when it looked like he was already washed up.
I was with my cousin at a Kinkos waiting in line behind two wrinkly old ladies locked in some engorged clitoral fit. They were eyeballing my poor cousin - a damn good looking fellow, I should add - though probably wishing he had hair extensions in the back when suddenly they had to share with us why they were at the copy shop.
They had taken polaroids, front row, at some outdoor Billy Ray concert & now they were getting them blown up with full emphasis focused on his crotch. I know this for a fact because the old horndogs told us so...
Ah, memories! Some of them are dug in deeper than genetic flaws.
My only other notable Billy Ray Cyrus memory was the time I tried to quit my job because the other guys thought it was so funny how much I despised the song, "Achy Breaky Heart" during the Summer of the Achy Breaky - 1993, when Country Music decided to become the shitty equivalent of the recently exterminated Hair Metal phenomenon crushed by tragic holy man Kurdt Cobain and his band Nirvana.
The fellas just didn't understand that I was pretty fucking serious about my threat to leave the truck and walk a mile or so back to the office & my car during a lightning storm if they didn't turn the goddamn radio station.
Thus I did break the tyranny of pop country radio that summer on the Illinois River & I probably deserve a commemorative plaque.
Anyway. These memories came back upon me today like some horrid corrosive vomit to the back of my throat with this headline. So I fought back the only way I knew how; I looked up the video for Achy Breaky Heart on YouTube and watched it with the volume muted.
Afterwards, I posted the comment, "I still cannot hate this song enough without expressing violence."
With that, and with this confession now at 30 Seconds tonight, I hope to again seal shut the vault on this vile, throbbing scar across my otherwise pristine conscious experience together with all you wonderful people here on Earth.
Goodnight.
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